What the hell are you talking about, Max?
Here are Sam & Max's best quotes found in various video games, comics and the animated series. Each quote is grouped up by where they orignate from:-
- Sam: Hey, where do you keep that gun?Max: None of your damn business, Sam.
Hit the Road
- [after confronting, subduing, and pummeling the mad scientist]
Max: He's not a real guy, Sam! Can I keep his head for a souvenir? Why do you suppose its ticking?Sam: That's no head, Max! It's one damned ugly timebomb! Let's leave this criminal cesspool pronto!Max: Good idea, Sam. Maybe we can ditch the head somewhere while the credits are running. Mind if I drive?Sam: Not if you don't mind me clawing at the dash and shrieking like a cheerleader.Max: Sam, is "pronto" a real word?
- [after the opening credits]
Sam: Well, that was a pleasantly understated credits sequence.Max: I enjoyed the cheesy retro ambience.Sam: What the hell are you talking about, Max?
- [Sam hangs up the phone]
Max: Another confused census taker?Sam: Actually, it was the Commissioner with another idiotic and baffling assignment.Max: Does it involve wanton destruction?Sam: We can only hope.
- [after a run-in with Conroy Bumpus and Lee-Harvey]
Sam: Who was that?Max: I don't know, but if it weren't for the sheer carefree innocence of this carnival, I'd be breaking his kneecaps.Sam: You're a demonic little imp, Max.
- [at a phone booth]
Sam: I don't have anyone to call.Max: Call me, call me!Sam: You'd have to get cellular.Max: I'm pixular! It's better than cellular!Sam: That was bad, Max. Really bad.Max: Hey, who cares? I'M CUTE!
- Sam: Hey, cut out the swearing! We're trying to appeal to kids!Psychic: Get bent!
- Sam: Percent sign, ampersand, dollar sign.Max: And colon, semicolon too!Psychic: What are you [bleep] ing doing?
Sam: Swearing in longhand, asterisk-mouth.
- Sam: Your sadism is a credit to your profession.
The Adventures of Sam & Max: Freelance Police
- [Sam and Max adopt a baby alligator they found in a toilet]
Max: I'll name him John, since that's where we found him.
- Max: Ow! I got a splinter!Sam: Leave it under your pillow and the Splinter Fairy might leave you a nice, shiny 2 X 4!
- Max: Our highly improbable plan worked, Sam.
- Max: Oh my god, Sam! These people have gills! It's hideous and who would do such a thing and how do we get some?
- Sam: So let me get this straight: we can breath here, then?Max: I guess those prissy, paranoid astronauts never had enough spine to try it.Sam: Ooh, I could never say that about an astronaut.
- Sam: Do you have any... weasels on a stick?Bosco: Nope.
Sam: Do you have any two-handed broadswords?Bosco: Nope.
Sam: Do you have any vegetables in the shape of famous naturalists?Bosco: Nope.
Sam: Do you have any candy-pink fatboys?Bosco: Nope.
Sam: Do you have any exiled political dissidents?Bosco: Nope.
Sam: Do you have any weapons of mass destruction?Bosco: Who's asking?
Sam: Do you have any... hmm, I've run out of ideas.Max: Well, you could always just start over again.
- Sam: Well, considering you haven't even committed the crime we're accusing you of, we'll let you off with a warning.
- Max: If you were planning to bribe us, now would be the appropriate time.
The Mole, the Mob, and the Meatball
Abe Lincoln Must Die!
Bright Side of the Moon
Ice Station Santa
- Sam: I don't know how to work it. Computers in hell all run Linux.
Moai Better Blues
Night of the Raving Dead
Chariot of the Dogs
What's New, Beelzebub?
- [every time the phone rings]
Sam & Max: I GOT IT! I GOT IT!
- Sam: You crack me up, little buddy.